October 5, 2007

My Autobiography : The Big Deal?

Some time back I found myself often going down the memory lane. I diagnosed it to be the result of the realization dawning on me that in the near future, I would be retiriring from active service. I observed that I had started auditing my life from the beginning. This audit process was not systematic; various people and incidents started coming in random streams of images and getting projected on my mind’s screen. I would often involuntarily go into a trance where I would witness this flashback.

I tried very hard shutting my mind to these reveries. In fact, for quite some time back, I have made one of my guiding principles, the following couplet of Faiz Ahmed Faiz, the noted Urdu poet

अब न दोहरा फसान्हा ए अलम
अपनी क़िस्मत पे सोगवार न हो
फ़िक्र-ए-फ़र्दा उतार दे दिल से
उम्र-ए-रफ़्ता पे अश्क बार न हो.

Ab na dohraa fasaanaha-e-alam
apni qismat pe sogwar na ho
Fiqr-e-farda utaar de dil se
Umar-e-raftaa pe ashq bar na ho

To me this couplet is a translation of the following shloka of Bhagvad Gita

गतासून अगतासून्श्च न अनुशोचन्ति पंडिता:
(Gatasoon agatasoonshch na anushochanti panditaah )

The lord advises Arjuna that wise people do not worry about either the past ( that has gone) or future ( that will go)

I also philosophized on why any body should or should not remember about his past. My musings culminated in the hypothesis that “Any body who finds the future dark or foggy, starts looking at the past because having come to and being in the present is itself an achievement’

This hypothesis is echoed in the following lines of my unfinished poem

अपने माज़ी के तस्सवुर से मुझे फ़राग नहीं
मुझको गुज़रे हुए अय्याम की याद आती है
राह-ए-फ़र्दा में बस धुंधलका है
पस नज़र माज़ी की सिमत जाती है
गो कि माज़ी मेरा बाईस-ए-पिन्दार नहीं
इस हस्त-ओ-बूद का मेरे कहीं शुमार नहीं
किसी भी चीज़ पर कुछ मेरा इख्तियार नहीं
मैं फिर भी अपने मुक़द्दर पे सोगवार नहीं

न जाने कितने हवादिस से बच के आया हूँ
न जाने कितने तजुर्बे समेट लाया हूँ
हज़ारों चेहरे दिखाई देते हैं
हज़ारों जुमले सुनाई देते हैं

Apne maazi ke tassavur se mujhe faraag Nahin
Mujhko guzare huye ayyam ki yaad aati hai
Rah-e-farda mein bas dhundhalka hai
Pas nazar maazi ki simat jaati hai

Go ke maazi mera baayis-e-pindaar nahin
Is hast-o-bood ka mere kahin shumar nahiN
Kisi bhi cheez par kuchh mera ikhtiyar nahiN’
Main phir bhi apne muqaddar pe sogwaar nahiN

Na jaane kitne havaadis se bach ke aaya hooN
Na jaane kitne tajurbe samet laaya hooN

Na jaane kitne chehre dikhaayi dete haiN
Hazaaron jumle sunaayi dete haiN

It was notable that during these reveries, I was never filled with a feeling of remorse or rancour. The experience did not give me great joy either. But my mind was always filled with a feeling of satisfaction, which had a soothing effect very much like a cool springtime morning breeze.

This has motivated me to streamline my peek into the past–making the random succession of images into a more orderly sequential process and in an easily perceivable medium.

All my life, I have acted as devil’s advocate against my own self. The moment the idea of writing my autobiography came to my mind, the next moment, I found myself arguing and debating, my autobiography-what is the big deal? What was there in my life that made it annals-worthy?!?!?

The answer came in two forms. On one occasion, I happened to be in the audience where Shri M.V.Kamath, the doyen of Indian journalism delivered a lecture. I vividly remember him saying that every person should at least write a diary if not a formal autobiography because human life has something unique, which is worthy of being recorded.

Extending Shri Kamath’s assertion on a larger metaphysical plane, I have come to believe that God does not waste His energies and resources on any purposeless creation. Therefore, it is inherent that every human life is vested with a definite purpose and the wherewithal to achieve that purpose. These attributes obviously remain latent unless expressed explicitly.

Having won the argument with myself, I have embarked on the exercise of compiling my autobiography. I am going to relate my life as I remember it, with a small change, in line with another principle being followed by me, which says
“Never tell a lie; but do not always speak the truth”.

Therefore I have resolved to remain silent about certain truths which if spoken could cause unpleasantness to some people or may fall in the domain of vulgarity.

My autobiography!? Yes, it is going to be the big deal.